A Real Update- A Post about Mental Health.
"Overthinking ruins you. Ruins the situation, twists it around, makes you worry and just makes everything much worse than it actually is."
Trigger Warning- If you have emetophobia, OCD, anorexia, or anxiety, be warned that things I mention in this post may be triggering!
I've always been an anxious child. Worrying about safety, germs, anything there is to typically worry about. As such a young child, no one really took any notice. When I was about 8 or 9, my anxiety started to get worse and then an event that probably would be insignificant to anyone else triggered what would eventually be diagnosed as OCD and anorexia. I developed a huge fear of vomiting, and in turn stopped eating due to the anxieties I had around food being out of date/being poisoned/making me sick. I was basically surviving off of digestive biscuits when I was admitted to the general hospital for a fortnight. Being in the hospital really didn't help me as I was surrounded by sick people and could often hear patients being sick which terrified me and made me even worse. In early April, just after my 10th birthday, I was transferred to an inpatient unit for children with mental health issues in Cambridge, called the Croft on the Ida Darwin site. Being at the unit was challenging. I was surrounded by other children with various mental health issues including ADHD, autism, and tourette's, as well as children with severe behavioural issues or emotional issues. (The patients with tourette's introduced me to a lot of swear words I'd never heard before!) I wasn't allowed to do any physical activity, I was re-fed and had to complete meals with set times. Even at 10 years old, I was quite devious and would often lie about the amount of food I was supposed to eat. There was one time when I decided that hiding under the table would be a good way to get away with not eating my dinner. Not such a clever plan seeing as it wasn't a great hiding place. (I think my dinner was chicken nuggets, if you're curious). I also had a lot of therapy including art therapy, music therapy, family therapy (oh the joys) and group therapy. I was at the Croft for 13 weeks before being discharged at a healthy weight.
A few months ago, I would've gone on to talk about how, since being at the Croft, I've been fine apart from a few blips occasionally. The truth is, mental illness is an ongoing battle and I'm not fine. There was a period of a few years where my eating and intrusive thoughts calmed down, however at 15 my OCD got a lot worse and led to my medication changing and having CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) three times. Here's the honest update- in the past six months, my eating has gotten worse and I've been re-diagnosed with anorexia nervosa after my last diagnosis/assessment being 7 years ago. About three weeks ago I ended up in the general hospital with chest pains, low glucose levels and abnormal heart tracings and I was NG tubed because I wasn't giving myself enough calories to survive on and I hadn't eaten solid food for a week. A bed at an inpatient unit was found surprisingly quickly for me and I was admitted to the Phoenix Centre in Cambridge on the Ida Darwin Site on the 15th of December. And yes, you have read that right- I'm currently inpatient on the same site as where I was inpatient nearly 8 years ago! When I left the Croft I never thought I'd end up back here, but here I am.
It's the 1st of January, 2017, and this is going to be a hard year, but it WILL be the year I say "fuck you" to OCD and anorexia and say "yes" to recovery and happiness.
